It has been 1245 days or 1247 or maybe 1258… Never mind. It has been long since I have written to you. The fingers still flow smoothly on the keyboard but the words are slightly reluctant or even if they do flow they are vastly different from the ones I used while writing to you in the four years that we were together.
Before you get all awkward with the thought of an untoward infringement of the past in your current cozy life, let me tell you this is not an ‘I miss you’ letter, nor it has got anything to with how miserable I am without you. In fact, this is not even a list of complaints or a rant about broken promises. These are just words that may never see the light of the day. These are words that are meaningless and purposeful at the same time. These are words that might never reach you and I would perhaps prefer if they don’t, or maybe not, who knows.
Human emotions, relationships are complex but ours was a bit more than normal – I’m sure every couple thinks the same and each one of them is right. There is a set pattern in a relationship and there is one after a break up too.
There were times when the chat bar used to start and end with you but now it sometimes doesn’t even appear after a search by your name. For I’m not sure which social media platforms we’ve blocked each other from and which are the ones we forgot to. The pattern, you see!
Countless things have happened in my life, needless to say in yours too since we decided to part ways – for some known and a lot of unknown reasons - but it hardly ever crossed my mind that I should share the details with you. I’d be lying if I say I’ve forgotten you but your importance and priority have sort of lost its sheen over the years. Again, the pattern, nothing out of the ordinary.
Perhaps it’s time we should break that pattern. Why do we have to pretend to be aliens to each other? Why does it always have to end with toxicity? Yes, human emotions are complex but certainly not to the extent that it suddenly starts hating someone it had loved for years.
Dear Ex, I don’t have to be in love – I am NOT for sure – with you to wish well for you. For me, the long walks, the childish banter, the sumptuous snacks at shady joints, the cute nicknames in all those four years outdo the three years of no contact, a lot of anger, some scattered social media posts. And dare I say it would continue to do so for the rest of my life as I have learned that it is way easier to erase a person than erasing all the memories attached to her.
Yes, when I walk past that sandwich store, or just glance at that park, at our spot with the corner of my eye, all the memories do trickle in and put a gentle smile on my face but they are not as strong to deflect me from my current routine. They don’t remind me of you, but they do tell me to be thankful for that time.
Trust me, there is nothing wrong with a congratulatory message for professional success. A ‘Happy Birthday’ text doesn’t make me weak, it only makes me natural.
Dear Ex, I don’t want to be friends with you again. There is too much baggage, there are so many unanswered questions and I don’t think you and I would want to go through the same ordeal again. But I don’t want to hate you either. There is no need to. There is no need to scream to the world that I’m unaware of your existence.